Life · Medical Issues

Am I Getting Better or Not?

Possibly? I don’t know. These past few weeks have been difficult for me. These past few nights have been even worse. I get caught up in emotional feelings and I just stay sad. That’s how it goes. 

I had my pacemaker put in a little over 2 weeks ago. I know the feeling is different because it’s actually implanted inside of me so I know it would take longer to heal. But unfortunately I’m having trouble determining if my feelings and the pain I am having is normal or not.

On the other hand, I’m having cyst grow and rupture what feels like, daily. Tonight was the first sign I saw that a cyst ruptured which can potentially lead to endometrial implants lining whatever they’d like too within my pelvic area all over again. Is this ever going to end? Well I know endometriosis will, but I’ve got about 25/26 years until menopause hits and apparently that’s the end.

I’m second guessing this pacemaker because I kind of feel like the pacemaker isn’t helping as much as it did. I do have the opportunity to turn up the device to get more of an effect. Which is something I’m going to try tomorrow and see if there is a change. If not I feel like this may not have been the answer, after all of this time and excitement wasted. The trial went so well, I think which is why I’m feeling so down about my whole situation. I had high hopes for both surgeries. I don’t want to say both or one failed just yet because there can be things that can be done to change and potentially help me out in the long run, putting me in a spot where both surgeries have helped. But only time will tell with that. I think that’s become my life motto. “Only time will tell”, because I have to just wait and wait even if I have a plan because things can’t always happen back to back.

I needed to express this/write this down just for myself, I’ve been writing a lot in the notes on my phone but not sharing them. But I will eventually. Having the experience of knowing a cyst ruptured made me sad because I was feeling so great, except these past few days, I was just having a lot of pelvic pain and of course it led to the worst case scenario.

*lets see what happens by the end of this week. Say some extra prayers or just even positive vibes my way, it would be greatly appreciated.


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