Depression · Life · Throwback Thursday

Throwback Thursday #2

I haven’t kept up with the Throwback Thursday posts how I’d like too and talked about doing. But from when I wrote weeks ago until now I didn’t have any posts close within the time frame of the days/month. This time for throwback Thursday I have a post 2 days ahead. Today being 3/24/16, I have a post written from 3/26/12.

Like last time I will be pulling certain sentences or quotes I’ve written, and trying to relate them to my life now whether they are relating in a good or bad way. This 3/26/12 post is two pages long, but I’m only going to share what I feel comfortable sharing.

 

  • “I don’t even care, I don’t care that I’m by myself all the time even though it causes me to think.”
  • “Nothing I do seems right anymore, there are flaws in everything I do.”
  • “I’m not perfect, no one is, but I feel like I’m being made into a failure who isn’t making my family proud.”

 

Well okay, this journal entry seems to be a little bit darker, darker in the sense of a more depressive tone. I won’t lie a lot of the times when I’ve written in my journal is when I do feel depressed so these “Throwback Thursdays” may be more depressive at first but I can try my best to now shed them in a positive light with changes that may have been made, but I can’t always guarantee there will be positives.

Changes made in the first quote are that I am not alone all the time. I do try my best to get out and do things with my friends as often as possible. Sometimes it is hard for me because of all of the medical issues I’ve had / still have going on, but if getting out going to walk around the mall for a bit then I’m more than willing. I’m also more self aware of myself of my pain so I know not to take it over board and I’m thankful that my friends acknowledge that fact also, so I feel lucky in that sense.

There is not one single person in this world that does not have a flaw. Whether it is a physical flaw, mental flaw, emotional flaw, any type, you name it and people do have it. I believe when this was written I was working, but I was still also having medical issues so I wasn’t working all of the time. It seems in the journal entry I was writing about how my mental health was a flaw because of how it effects me in the way of not doing anything or wanting to sleep all of the time. I can’t deny that, that didn’t happen, and unfortunately I can’t deny that, that is still happening today. Which is why I am seeing someone about my mental health and will hopefully lead me down the right path and figure out how to help better myself.

I can officially say right now that I do not feel like a failure. I know there are many different things I wish I could be doing right now instead of sitting here writing this blog post, but you know life gets in the way of things you love and for me it was school. That was the only time I felt like a failure, when I wasn’t in school. I currently am not enrolled in school but my plan is to again return in the fall and pursue my dreams. It’s taken years but this needs to finally be my time. I’m ready to give my all for it to be MY time, MY year. Yet I’m still saying prayers because I’m still not out of the woods with my medical issues.

In a way I love that I’ve kept a journal especially since I’ve had it for many years and have the opportunity to write blogs posts like this. But, I do hate to see that years ago I felt the same way about so many things. It almost feels as if there has been zero progress, I’ve just gotten older and more self aware of things. I do hope that some of my journal entries for TBT will be more positive in the future, but I’m not going to jump ahead. It’s been years since I’ve read my journal, so when I write these blog posts, me and who ever is reading this, are getting a small summary of what my life was like 4 years ago at the same time.

Despite the negativity that kind of took over this blog, I don’t feel negative. I feel content, right now I am okay. I will be okay regardless of the time it takes.

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