Okay if you’ve been reading my blog at all or even have scrolled over my posts you know that I have medical problems. The list seems to keep going on. But I’ve had a surgery recently to insert a pacemaker for my bladder. I truly thought it was the answer to all of my prayers, but unfortunately it seems as if it’s the opposite.
The past few weeks with the pacemaker have been extremely rough. Having to just adjust to the feeling over the pacemaker and also the recovery and healing of the incision. I’ve had a few trouble spots with my incision, my doctor says it looks okay and should be okay. But it doesn’t feel okay. I don’t feel okay and I think that’s important to express.
Besides the pacemaker I have endometriosis, I’ve explained it a million times. So if you don’t know what it is, go you can google it type it in and it’ll explain it really quickly. Anyway, I am one to get ovarian cysts often and they rupture instead of just going away like the do in normal women. These feel like they have been happening more often, though it’s hard to determine if they’ve been more often before or after the pacemaker. Obviously the pacemaker wires are attached to my bladder, which I’ve had endometriosis found on before. I’ve had this concern before even having the surgery but neither doctor had an answer for me.
Can endometriosis grow around the wires? If that’s the case I’ve had probably 2 cysts rupture within a week and a half, filled with potential blood. I think it may be blood because of the discharge after I feel the rupturing of the cysts has been bright red. So is that happening right now? There are so many questions that seem like they can not be answered, and I know there isn’t an answer to everything but I need something, something to give me hope now because this pacemaker did at first but now I don’t feel hopeful. I kind of just want it out, it’s causing more pain and IC flare ups than I had before it was in. Don’t get me wrong my pain was still there before the surgery but with the surgery it feels worse. It almost feels as if my body is rejecting the device.
Another question, how long do I have to live with the pain before its decided if my device is being rejected by my body or just is not the right for me? I wish I knew someone who had one of these things, but it’s so not well known I guess you could say? Because it used for many different reasons. I’m living my life day by day but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said “I’m done” to myself, yet here I am, suffering.
I apologize for the kind of sad and depressing post once again. I just feel as if my life is a never ending story of problems. When will it be my time? When will I be able too say that I feel great? Or even fine and truly mean it? You know I want to put myself out there especially when school starts up again for me but how will I do that when I’m so insecure about these issues? I’m insecure about a lot of things, but that’s a whole different blog. This was just me writing and trying to figure out myself health wise, mentally wise, and physically wise.
Not everyone truly finds themselves at the age I am at, almost 24. So I don’t feel so bad when I think like what the hell am I doing with my life? I know that’s there’s other people who are like myself and it kind of gives me a sense of content-ness? Is that a word? Because I know I’m not the only one feeling this way.
Tomorrow, well technically later on today I’d like to write another post but my mind hasn’t came up onto a topic yet. I’m sure I will though. I’d like to talk more about make up that I’ve bought. I’m no beauty guru but I’m loving make up so much recently. We’ll see what happens.
Thanks for letting me rant/write. These medical problems are taking time away from my years, like they did as a teenager until now. I’m trying to live my life to the fullest possible potential in the situation I’m in. Some days I think I’m doing good, sometimes I think otherwise, but not everyday can be good right?