*I did half of my plan. You have to start somewhere right?
It feels like my whole entire life has been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs, currently more hills than normal, especially lately. I can’t seem to catch my grip onto anything to pull myself up. As some readers know I’ve been dealing with a bunch of medical issues that have not really benefited me as I had hoped before all of it went down.
Tonight was the first night in a long time I actually took the time to look at myself in the mirror before I got in the shower. First thought was panic, second was disgust. From then it’s just been tears. I’ve chosen not to look at myself in detail because of the scars that are all over my body now. Scars that cover my stomach, belly button, sides, even lower to my pubic bone and now my butt. I hate looking at them because my first thought is that one day I’ll be showing these scars to a boyfriend and they’ll think of how disgusting they are, it makes me uncomfortable to even think about letting someone see them. I know things can’t change over night, oh how I wish they could though. I need to start eating healthy which is completely fine. I want to eat healthy, the issue is the working out part because I physically cannot do many things with dealing with my pain. At one point in my life I had extreme motivation, where it came from? Who knows. But I even surprised myself with how well I was doing, eating healthy, going to the gym every day. But now I’m here, wanting to work to get the grip to pull myself up but how? I make little steps at first I know that because I can’t go overboard. But you know what? My first thoughts were going to not eating at all. I’ve done it once I can do it again, is going through my head.
While I was in high school I had many gastrointestinal issues. I couldn’t keep whatever I ate down or in. So half of my junior year and my entire senior year I wouldn’t eat. No breakfast, nothing for lunch because the bite of one piece of food or even a drink of Powerade would make my stomach hurt and it would come right out of me. I can’t even think of what I would eat for dinner or if I even ate dinner, if I did it wasn’t much because I knew what would happen. You’d think that I had my gallbladder out and all these foods weren’t agreeing with me. But nope, now I’ve actually had my gallbladder out and I’ve never weighed as much as I do now. I want to say its close to double the amount I was in high school; I wouldn’t doubt that. I’m not going to not eat because I know it’s really the worst thing possible for you, but when I wasn’t eating I was at my lowest weight I’ve ever been. With that being said I can truly say that when you see commercials of young women or young men looking in the mirror seeing someone they’re not as in the image they see weighs much more than they actually do, truly happens. It’s weird to look back now at old pictures and see how thin I was and think when I looked into the mirror I saw someone huge. I’d wear baggy clothes because I thought that they were the clothes that fit me correctly when in reality I could of went down 2 or 3 sizes and I would have been comfortable.
I have plans in my head; every single night I have plans in my head because this is an issue I think about a lot even before I chose to look at myself tonight. I think about it every single day; I am completely stuck. I have a feeling that my birth control does have something to do with it but at the same time I can’t make excuses for myself eating shitty food. I eat something healthy and I’m like okay good I’m on the right path and then at night time when it’s like 11PM I’m looking for something and it’s always not good for me. The 11PM thing isn’t so much of an issue anymore, though I can admit I used too and still sometimes binge eat. I don’t binge eat meals, I binge eat snacks, candy, chips literally anything sweet. I’ve recognized this myself and have tried to stop myself but it’s so extremely hard, because for me I think that eating makes me feel happy and what is being eaten is the absolute worst thing for me. As of right now I don’t have any treats to binge eat on and hopefully me writing this and this night will be the end of a binge eating issue I’ve been dealing with.
Tomorrow I have a plan and let’s see if I follow through with it. I’m writing this on 4/3/16. So tomorrow morning, the plan in my head, if it happens, I’ll edit this post with a little * at the top letting you know. If it’s not there, I didn’t complete it. I’ll then have to figure something out to get myself on a track to losing weight. If anyone has any suggestions please please please share them in the comments or you can send it to my email, which I’ll leave below. Thank you.