Since I was 15 years old and was told I have endometriosis I always thought about a child. Something I was too scared to ask my doctor because I would be afraid of what the answer would be. Because you know when you have a dream you’re pregnant and you wake up wondering where my baby is? Feeling your stomach because it felt so real. That is something I don’t want to miss out on, but the possibility of it happening is extremely real.
For years know I’ve thought about a hysterectomy for my future and at this moment in time I wouldn’t second guess it. The pain I am going through and shouldn’t be going through is overbearing. I’m truly living the life of a person with endometriosis and IC. Usually one of them is covered but that isn’t the case this time around. Both medical issues are effecting me every day from the time I wake up, to the time I go to sleep and even sometimes in the middle of the night. I have so many questions for my doctors. But more specifically questions for my GYN who will not be happy at the thought of me wanting to have a hysterectomy.
I can’t tell you how many times over this past year I’ve said “I’m done” but continued because I felt like I didn’t have a choice. But it’s really time now. I am done. I cannot live this way anymore. Why am I allowing suffering? Why am I allowing it when it could potentially be taken away if I had an operation. The word operation doesn’t scare me anymore because of all of the times I’ve been in an operating room. The word hysterectomy doesn’t scare me, but it hurts me. It hurts me in ways words cannot even begin to describe. Along with the word come thoughts, thoughts of feeling empty or hollow, thoughts of not having a child of my own who might have my nose or my ears. The thought of my mom not having a grand son/daughter from her own daughter? Why do I feel so inadequate?
The word hysterectomy is on my mind. But what is also on my mind are the words of each doctor saying how healthy my uterus, ovaries and Fallopian tubes are. That I’m likely to be able to get pregnant if we follow a fertility chart, but what they don’t tell you is that miscarriages are highly likely in someone with endometriosis. I can follow a fertility chart for months, allowing myself to get a period but within those months, the pain I would have to deal with and the bleeding which would build up endometriosis is something not thought about by my doctor but it’s one of my daily thoughts.
So these are questions on my mind. If I choose not to go through with it and God blesses me with a child one day, a healthy child, though I have endometriosis, how does that leave me physically? Will I be able to work? Because my endometriosis can take a seat where ever it would like. My baby would be growing and growing. Endometriosis will be stretching and stretching how will I take that pain if I can’t even take the pain I’m dealing with now? Who knows where the endometriosis would even be considering I’ve had its on my bladder, my colon, in the back of my uterus & so on.
Ah my thoughts at night are always running wild. Tomorrow I find out if I’ll be getting my pacemaker out or not. Next week, these questions will be answered. It’ll be a long week because it’s a serious thing to think about and accept. I’m almost at the point of accepting it.
I’ll be here, saying my prayers.