*This is a start to my random phone notes aka blog posts I’ve started but never finished. I thought I’d share them with you guys being that I write most of them at night time, and it may not make complete sense all of the time because of writing at night. But they are still thoughts that I’m willing to share whether they make sense or not! 😊
I see a therapist every week, in her office, but also via Skype because it’s not really a convenient place to travel too every week. But she finally did get to me, got
my emotions up and the tears down.
Making me realize that everything, every emotion I feel I quickly put away to the side, my feelings are also put to the side. I care more about making sure everyone is okay before myself. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that? But she made me realize that, all in all, what I’m seeing her for is myself, myself is the only thing that matters in my sessions with her. Which I need to realize and acknowledge. I tend to talk about my family a lot because they have a huge impact in my life. Unfortunately in good and bad ways but who has a perfect family?
I’ve started a blog post in my notes on my phone, calling myself a brave, strong woman. Yet I feel very weak at the same time. I’m not even sure when I feel brave and strong, sometimes it just overcomes me and I feel good about myself but there are times when I feel the complete opposite. But when I’m feeling the complete opposite its not what I’m describing as “weakness”. I think my weakness is I am extremely vulnerable though I try my hardest not to show it. I’ve realized with my medical issues, that’s when my vulnerability starts. When finding out if I need to have another surgery or finding out just news that just isn’t good news for myself is when I start “feeling” I guess you could say?
I absolutely hate the fact that I have this issue but I just wanted to write about it. I hate that I have trouble letting my emotions and feelings show. When they’re on the tip of my tongue I hold back. Why? I have absolutely no idea. I think I’m scared to be vulnerable. It all leads back to that. It’s hard to find someone who completely 100% gets you. Of course my best friends get me, but if I’m ever in a relationship that what’s I want to aim for. I just want to be able to express and feel my emotions and let them know and have them be okay with it? Which is honestly completely normal, but being in my situation medical wise I want to be able to feel comfortable to tell them these things. I don’t think that’s a huge request and someday I will find that person. I trust very easily so I open up very easily which is not beneficial because it can be super scary or intimidating because they wouldn’t know what to say. But it’s okay. My time will come.