Life · Medical Issues

Overwhelming Thoughts

Who doesn’t have them? Really, at one point in your life (which might be right now for everyone taking finals) has overwhelming thoughts of if they can’t accomplish something. If there is a decision that needs to be made but it’s too hard to make it because of the thoughts that linger.

Today I went and seen my urologist. The past 3 weeks I’ve wanted this pacemaker out of me. Longer than 3 weeks probably. But I finally found a program where it doesn’t hurt as bad, the pain is tolerable. I’m taking more pain medicine than I’d still like but it’s more tolerable than before. But should I live with tolerable and a pacemaker or live with tolerable without one? My doctor is happy that I’m giving it a try, that I’m not just giving up. But of course it’s getting late and my mind is running wild.

Have I made the right choice to have a revision of the device? Making sure it’s in place and hopefully doesn’t move? Or should I just take this thing out of my body and try to live life to the fullest? Because I know a week or two after surgery I won’t be doing shit. (Regardless even if I got it out I’d have to recover). But it’s really discouraging. Not that I do much now, but I’m ready too do more and I’m here having the procedure done on Monday. I’ve barely had time to think. 

I can ask my mom’s opinion though she agrees with the plan of action right now. Which is great, she agrees but am I just doing this for the fact that I should keep trying? What if it causes even more pain? It’s not what I signed up for. I’ll have to wait a month to have it taken out because the doctor does surgeries every first Monday of the month. I thought by June I’d be close to a goal I’m trying to achieve but who knows if that first Monday in June I’ll chose to have it out?

I’m sick at the thoughts, the overwhelming thoughts that are starting to take over. I can’t stand them, I can’t fight them. They’re just there. It’s like they’re taunting me because I’ve made a decision but am second guessing it. 

I guess I’ll see what my thoughts are in the morning.  


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