“I can’t stand it to think my life is going so fast and I’m not really living it.” – Ernest Hemingway
What have I accomplished at 23 almost 24 years old? I wish I could say well I’ve graduated college and am working for a well known company. I’m no where close to that. I feel like my life has been consistent of medical problems that are dealt with, then a little bit down the line they start up again and I find something new I need to deal with.
I’ve finally got to the point where as of right now my medical issues are under control. I’m waiting to heal and then maybe I can start working again. I know I plan to go to school in the fall, so that’s something to look forward too. But I think the fact that I’ve dealt with my medical issues since I was 15 years old has taken away some of my youngest years.
Lately my life feels like it’s at a halt. There is no where for me to go besides wait to recover, with the potential of problems because this pacemaker has given me some issues. That alone is giving me anxious thoughts, and I’m not going to lie, I’m scared. The pacemaker scares me, the fact that I can feel it when I lay down scares me. I hate going throughout the day thinking these thoughts.
Oh how my thoughts stay consistent.
Today I woke up with a migraine on top of everything else and I’m just miserable. I literally said out loud “when?” That’s it. Just when. I have so many questions that begin with the world when but the majority of them can’t be answered. I’m scared to stand up because I’m already having pain laying down. I’m still having hear medical problems but I’m registered for school in the fall and I WILL be going. I’ll be the best I can be, there’s still months until I need to go, which is beneficial for me so I can still have time to get my shit together.
When I wrote this it was March, I’m not sure why I thought my medical issues were under control. Because the pain of this pacemaker is putting me through a rollercoaster of pain and emotion. I still feel as if they’re at a halt. I’ve had another procedure for the same thing, the doctor wants to switch it to the other side. No way in hell. It’ll be out before that happens. The pacemaker does still scare me it’s a foreign object in my body. Which I think my body is rejecting. June will be the last of my procedures hopefully because I do go back to the GYN and I’ve been having problems with that too, so who knows. But June my pacemaker will be out, I just had it moved back in place but it’s my body, it’s my choice, I’d rather live without it. I’ll just have to figure out life with the pain. There’s millions who do it, I’ll have to do it too.