This journal entry is from 5/11/12. Like usual I’m only going to include what I feel comfortable posting. It’s not really a long post, but maybe I can reflect positively or it may be negatively. I haven’t done this in a while and just thought what day is it? Perfect.
“Saw my dad last Sunday and he looked so good. I’m really happy for him”
“I’m so fucking stressed I need a good cry and my mom.”
Okay, of the maybe 15 sentences these two stuck out to me. At the time my dad was sober, if I’m remembering correctly, he was still living with his sister & brother who are unfortunately both alcoholics. I cannot believe how well he was doing while he was living in that house being surrounded by alcohol 100% of the time. I know that most of his time was spent in his room where he kept his food, drinks and medication. My dad is very OCD, I don’t think I have it like he does, but I don’t doubt that, that is a quality we share. While he was living where he was living there was no avoiding the people that lived there. When I went, I went with my brother or my mom would take me because she didn’t want to deny me seeing my dad. I’m forever grateful for the times my mom has taken me to see my dad, she’s always the one I can count on.
I can tie in needing a good cry and my mom from the end of that paragraph. I was stressed for dumb reasons stated in my journal. Dumb reasons that happened over 4 years ago. I think my mom may have been visiting her friend in Maryland or Myrtle Beach and I just needed her. This ties in with my Mother’s Day post, I don’t thank my mom to tell her how grateful she is to me, when she should hear it every single day. Sometimes you just need her. I remember coming home from a doctors appointment one day but she needed to go back to work. I called her hysterically crying just saying mom, I need you, I want you to be home. I know it wasn’t really ideal because she needs to work to pay bills, but she took a half day that day and I had comfort just knowing she was home and I could get to her any time I want. I feel sad and I am truly sorry for the people who don’t have their mother’s in their life, whether it was at all, or anymore. At this point I’m sure you have someone who you can just say I need you and hearing their voice makes everything better.
A lot has changed since this post, 4 years ago. I have a blog post about my dad but I don’t know if I’ll ever share it. It’s extremely personal and what happened to him, unfortunately just happened. You know if I could of been visiting him every single day when he was sober I wonder if it would have changed things. I can’t put this guilt on myself, but I do think about it often. If I put in the effort would it have changed? But in reality I don’t think so because alcoholism is a disease. It’s like a drug, once you’ve stopped, some people make progress and continue on without an issue, others fall back into the same routine. Besides that, I love going to see my dad now, I do have a few issues with it but I keep them hidden and not let them effect me though it hurts my heart. But if stopping by and bringing him “butter cake” makes him smile then I’ll be smiling too.
Until next time. xo