This morning I’ve been laying here thinking. You know how at night time into early morning your mind never stops racing unless you’re fast asleep.
This week is a big week for me as I have a doctor’s appointment that have many many questions that come along with it. Some of these questions I was wondering at the age of 18. What is next for me in my life with endometriosis? That’s a general question but there are three very specific questions that need to be asked. Dealing with this for almost 10 years now I cannot tell you how many times I’ve told myself, my mom, and my friends that I’m done. Not everyone’s life path is the same, I know that 100% so this is where I make big decisions to benefit me in my future.
These thoughts have been overwhelming and have been completely taking over my mind. I sway back and forth one minute enjoying the music I was playing on my phone, to being on the phone with my best friend hysterical because of these thoughts. You may or may not already know about my thoughts because I’ve mentioned them before. Having a hysterectomy, having an ovary removed, or having another type of surgery that will just benefit me. They linger because endometriosis doesn’t just go away, it’s dealt with until menopause. So I have a good 26 years to go. Unless I were to go through with a specific surgery above.
I hate to think that surgery is the only route, but in my life it seems that way. I’ve been on or am on every medication I can physically take “safely” and to no avail, I’m still left like this. Even with this pacemaker/nerve stimulator for my bladder.
I’ve had my pacemaker turned off for over a week now and I feel like there is no turning back. Once I go next week I’m going to ask if it can be removed, if the doctor says okay, that Monday I’ll be pacemaker free. These next 2 weeks are what is making me anxiety ridden and sleep deprived. I have a lot of grown up decisions to make and it’s scary to think about. They will hopefully be beneficial for me in the future but the thoughts alone can bring me to tears.
My sleepless night consisted of thoughts and writing. Writing you’ll never see. It consisted of the thought of a life where I am succeeding in what I love to do. The positive thing there is, I don’t doubt myself, I will succeed at any age. There will be a point in my life where I have succeeded and that is the only thought I should happily have.