Laying in bed on a Saturday night isn’t ideal, but when pain is controlling your life you don’t always have a choice.
Yesterday was the first day in a while where I went to a friend’s house, had a few drinks, and went swimming. I did this while in pain, but I also was having a lot of fun. My pain was being masked but it was still always there. I don’t go out and do things often because of my pain. It’s a factor I need to bring into my every day life, I can’t do certain things unless my pain is accounted for and I have a way to help ease it or it’s not something that will have me walking too much because that is a huge trigger. Simply walking. Tonight I was at my friend’s house again, but needed to be brought home. Heating pad heated, and pain medicine ready to be taken and here I am. It’s just now that I realized how much time is passing and all I’m doing is existing.
Existing, that’s all. I’m not doing anything significant with my life at the age of 24. My life consists of pain and unfortunately it’s taken over my life. My days pass without any accomplishments. I’ve learned over the past however many months, that I won’t be accomplishing much any time soon. Time is passing and I’m just standing here watching it right before my eyes. I can attempt to do something about it but guess what gets in the way? Pain. I know hopefully there will be a light at the end of this tunnel sooner rather than later having my surgery coming up. But it’s hard to see the light right now. I don’t feel any good in my life. Yes I have my friends who I love dearly and we have good laughs when we’re together but 98% of my time is spent in bed. Almost every day I wish I could just sleep until the next day so it’s a day closer to my surgery a day closer to freedom. I have high hopes, but I don’t want to be let down. I’m trying to keep them at bay. Until then I’ll just exist and watch time pass. Until I’m free this is all I can do. Tonight just really got to me. I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, but I don’t doubt I could slip into a depression so easily. I’ve been there before. I don’t feel like a 24 year old woman. I can’t even describe what I feel like. I just know that when I am recovered (hopefully feeling better) I will do everything in my power to make myself happy. By working, by FINALLY going back to school in January. I’ve been waiting a year to go back. I can pursue my dreams happily and without worry. These thoughts of what I know I’ll be able to do when I’m better do not pass by often but when they do, I can feel it deep down that I will not give up when the timing is right. I will get to my life’s destination in good timing. In the end I will be happy and accomplished.