This post will probably be all over the place, as most of my recent posts have been, even before my surgery. I haven’t had the motivation to write anything and it actually makes me really sad. I haven’t had much motivation in general these past few weeks. I just haven’t been myself.
I like to think I know who I am and I know what I want in life, but it’s times like this when I could not be anymore clueless. I’m trying to think of my future and being back in school, but I think myself into wondering if school is even for me. Just last year I wanted nothing more than to be in school, right now all I’m thinking about doing is pushing it off another semester. Why? Because I’m scared that something will happen again, “something” being anything where I’ll need to withdrawal. I’d rather not feel the sadness I felt when making the decision to leave last year all over again. I know I shouldn’t think about things that way but since it’s happened before it’s hard not to think that it’ll happen again.
I’m having a really hard time right now finding out what makes me happy. It’s difficult when I can’t do much because I’m still in pain. Writing used to make me happy, I feel like I have nothing to write about but here I am. This is something as sad as it is. I hate being the person who is unhappy all of the time or just acting like things are okay when they’re not. I hate that the majority of my posts are this way.
I need to find a source of happiness. I know I’ll be okay but not okay right now & that’s okay.