There has been more negative aspects to my life rather than positive the last couple years. I wish I could say that it’s gradually getting better but that would be a lie. I haven’t written in a long time, on here at least. The past few weeks have been more difficult than usual. I’ve been waking up without feeling. No thoughts to make me anxious, no emotions to make me feel. I’ve been floating through the day as if I’m numb. When asked if I’m okay I haven’t even been sure how to answer I feel emotionless, I don’t feel like a human being.
In the beginning of December I agreed to get an injection of Lupron which is a from a birth control that lasts for three months at a time. I was told by my doctor that if within the three months I didn’t see a difference in my pain than my pain wasn’t gynecological related. It’s been three months with no difference whatsoever. I’ve been in and out of emergency rooms having tests done only to be told that they’ve seen cysts on my right ovary but other than that everything is negative. Today I reluctantly got the second injection that will last me another three months. Being that it didn’t help the first time I didn’t want to go through with it and I had been debating it for weeks, yet here I am. I felt as if I almost needed to do the second injection because if I didn’t I would of been told that I didn’t give the medication a chance to regulate in my system. When I made the realization to myself that I wasn’t doing this for myself I got really upset. To think that I was trying this medication for another three months just to say that I’ve tried this form of medication is not a way patients should feel. Doctors are supposed to be people that guide you in some way or another towards the best positive outcome possible. I know that my health issues may be more difficult than others but it shouldn’t leave me almost feeling pressured to do something just to prove that it hasn’t worked for me. One thing I know for sure is that I won’t be getting a third injection come June. If that means I have to move onto a fifth doctor than so be it.
I want to say that my life has been like a rollercoaster but that would have to include some high points, some good changes but again, that would be a lie. I thought my pain had taken over my life before but now my quality of life is nonexistent. I do my best to get out and do things but it’s hard when my pain goes from a five to a ten just from walking around. The pain from the endometriosis and now another issue which is to be determined. I’ve lost a decent amount of weight in a short amount of time and when I normally would love that I know that it’s so unhealthy and something else is occurring. I avoid eating in general now minus a protein bar or a piece of fruit to prevent getting a migraine but I know it’s not enough. I started seeing a gastrointestinal specialist a month ago and I’m currently being treated for IBS though the medication hasn’t been much of a help. Right now I’m unsure of the path I’m going to follow after I complete the rest of the tests that the doctor has ordered. All I can do is continue to search for answers.
I’m working on my mental health daily even though I feel myself slipping away sometimes. My current mental state is getting the best of me, I know I’m not in a good place. I’ve been having trouble sleeping and when I’m not feeling emotionless all I feel like I’m doing is having breakdowns. I’m glad I’m self aware of these issues but it’s really taking it’s toll. Right now I just feel lost. I like to think I’m strong but I only have so much in me, I’m drained.